Baby Blues

September 20, 2019

I remember reading countless articles about what to expect after having a baby. Baby blues was always mentioned. I had no idea what they meant by baby blues, but I remember thinking: how could a mother be sad after having a baby? Shouldn't she be super happy?

Arian came a month earlier than expected. I was not ready, physically, mentally or emotionally. I knew the last few weeks were going to be crunch time for me, and thought I could be ready by the time he was supposed to arrive which was December 3rd. He arrived November 6th!

The first couple days I was so happy and so in love. He was so perfected and everything I had expected and much, much more. Spending time with him, cuddling him, kissing him and just staring at him was all I could think about.

We were all set up to move to our new home on November 10th. Arian was not supposed to arrive for another month, so I figured nesting would kick in and all would be good. Alex and his friend moved all of our things into our new home, but we didn't really have time to set it all up.

unnamedArian on moving day!
"Make sure you have a heater," my dad told me. "It will be cold since you don't have all your furniture yet," he continued. In my head I was thinking "OMG, he's so dramatic! We are in San Diego!!! It is never cold here." That night we went to sleep as usual and it did not feel cold at all, just another regular night in sunny San Diego.

I woke up shivering at 3 am. Never had I experienced so much cold before. My mouth was trembling and my entire body was shaking. I checked on Arian and touched his little chubby cheek and it was a little cold, not too much. I immediately woke Alex up and told him we needed a heater.

Alex is warm blooded, lol, he is always so warm and I always steal his heat. That night was no different for him, he didn't feel cold at all. He got up and said he would go and buy a new heater at 3 am!!!! I told him maybe he should just bring our heater from our old house, so at 3 am he was on his way to get our heaters.

Once he left I stared at Arian and just started bawling my eyes out. I was so sad, I felt like I had failed as a mom by not keeping Arian warm. I continued shivering even after putting on layers and layers of clothing and cuddling under our warm blanket with Arian.

It was the saddest feeling. I started thinking about how he had been so well sheltered, fed and protected for eight months in my belly. And now, he was out in this world exposed and needing our full protection.

I then realized baby blues made a lot of sense. When you become a mother everything that used to worry you before intensifies because you are no longer just looking out for yourself but also for your tiny little baby.

You also start thinking about all the changes that will come with motherhood. Your body is not the same, your emotions are out of control, you can't sleep, you are hungrier than ever (especially if breastfeeding), and it is no longer just you and your partner. Reminiscing and worrying about the future are what makes baby blues so common.

I still worry every day, who doesn't? But thinking you can protect your baby from everything and everyone is unrealistic. So I have decided being prepared for what may happen is the best I can do to help me worry less and enjoy a little more.

Alex has been the greatest at understanding all my worries. Sometimes I ask, am I being dramatic? And he responds "No babe, you are a mom." He then continues to reassure me everything will be alright.

Remember if you are feeling extremely sad/depressed/anxious seek help. Help is out there as long as you seek it you shall receive it!

Thanks for reading :)

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